his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
