I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
