Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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