So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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