He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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