Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
