Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
