she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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