So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
