A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
