I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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