If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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