I met the friendliest cop last night
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
