You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
