...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
