I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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