you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
