heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
