you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
