i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
