call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
