i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
