got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
