i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hippo gnu deer
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
