I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
