Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
