hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
