I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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