Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
