Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He? As in you personified your dick?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
