I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
