The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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