and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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