his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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