I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He felt like a one man threesome
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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