i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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