so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
