No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
