Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
