I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
