bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ketchup is God's man juice
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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