Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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