I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
