He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
