Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
