oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
