Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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