if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
