i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
