the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
